28.08.2004 20:36 - It\'s Top Of The Flops!!!
Now then, now then, Deary Lord, rattle rattle jewellery jewellery. (For US residents, replace the previous with similar Casey Casem-isms)
And here are the top of the flops for this weak chart...
At No.1 it\'s \"Mental\" from Androgyne - A bunch of effeminate whoopsies if ever I saw them.
At No.2, \"Little Miss Perfect\" from Spliff - Mental Indie favorites gush forth on the joys of hanging round the gates of Sutton Coldfield Girls High School in a scruffy old van with a mattress in the back.
At No.3, Deviant with \"Chinchilla Trouble\" - More rap metal rumblings that attempt to put a different swerve on their stablemates Korn. They\'re not shocking anybody, the song subject is more in-line with the Pet Shop Boys, and the only TV they\'ll get is on Rolf\'s Animal Hospital.
In No.4, it\'s \"New Kinky Boots\" by Pants, who are well-named, as they are complete and utter pants. Three semi-naked schoolgirls dancing in time whilst some emaciated bloke with terminal dandruff and greasy hair vaguely manhandles a keyboard, does not a record make..
Holding on at 5 is \"Moist\" from Pledge. Yet another bunch of indie hopefuls with a meaningless name guaranteed not to offend. They certainly couldn\'t get arrested in this town, particularly as crimes against music are not arrestable offences.
Flouncing in at 6 : \"Squelch\" from Pansy. A bunch of transvestite \"EastEnders\" rejects from London who think that ripping off the Velvet Underground is something new.
Gazing at their shoes at 7 : \"Lickey Hills\" from Sophomore. Tuneful, catchy, upbeat, danceable - This record is none of these things.
Lolloping in looking like they\'ve wet themselves at 8 : \"Phunkee BeatZ\" from Da Noo EmmCees. A bunch of idiots from Southampton desperately trying to convince everybody that they\'re black by wearing outsize trousers, cheap jewellery from Argos and putting their caps on back to front.
And similarly lolloping at 9 with the aid of a Zimmer frame : \"Kappa Rappa Styleee\" from KR&Co. Old School unhip hip-hop by old schoolboys.
Swearing the air blue at 10 : \"CrockerDial\" by Alley Gates. The man has a mouth like an explosion in a sewage factory.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the state of the charts...god help us.
