BBC 1                            

6.00 Breakfast with Frostrup

7.00 Crutch of the Day

Magazine show for the wounded.

8.00 Hunky Bunky Time

9.00 Yr Pobli Llyr Cwmbrn

Beach surgery in Welsh 

10. 00 Knacker-Lacka Teeni-Weenies!

With Floella Benjamin

10. 30 Book Repository

Post-marxist feminist  book magazine for the blind (in Turkish with subtitles)

11. 00 Whittaker's Jump

Old  Seth discovers the penis in his biscuit tin and the new Okapi at Grundle Farm is suspected ®

12. 00 Country Comforts

Jack Welton and Penelope Trench examine the contents of their middle kitchen drawers.

13. 00 The Shed Makeover Show

This week the Trubshaws get the surprise of their lives when they find  Alan Bennett living in an old Oxo tin on the shelf  above the Flymo, near the lawn rake.

14. 00 Top Gear

John Cooper Clarke and his friends test the latest stuff  fresh in from Durban. 

Sarah Lancashire is special guest.

15. 00 Jim'll Fix It.

Starring Jim Broadbent as the loveable

ne'er-do-well junkie who finds he's inherited a Prep School for Boys and .

a pharmacy in Kensington

16. 00 Swatch Of The Day

Block-busting drama set in a Thirties curtain-material shop. With Celia Imrie.

18. 00 God In A Bucket

Loads of white haired old dears in butterfly spectacles rattle on about The Great Bearded Dad .

18. 30 News and Whether

19. 00 The Money Slot

Corpulent vermin in suits discuss why we should all be worrying about our mortgages more.

20. 00 Where The Cart Is

Nick Berry as a country vet in 1920s Yorkshire.This week a farmer discovers a wounded pony – Sarah Lancashire, in his coal bunker. Can Edward save her?


 6. 00 Slunk and Wink

 7. 00 The Kids On Ritalin

 8. 00 Parliamo Punjabi

 West Indian book magazine programme         

 (Subtitles in Welsh)

 9. 30 Gay Trad

Set in 1950s Dublin. Binky and his friends find a new banjo-player. But he turns out to be border collie called Fran. (With Sarah Lancashire.)

10. 00 Breast Of Both Worlds

Dr. Miriam Stoppard examines the Buddhist faith while re-pointing a Jacobean fireplace in her Kent cottage.

11. 00 FILM: McCluskey's Break

John Wayne is magnificent as the two-fisted Irish arts administrator who tries to bring radical dance to a mining town.

13. 25  Two Counties Celebrity Rugby

Sarah Lancashire vs  David Essex

15. 00  Wood Glorious Wood!

Ulrika Jonsson talks to Swedish joiners about their favourite types of pine.

15.30 FILM: The Big Dorothy

Lee Marvin was Oscar-nominated for this Tennesee Williams screenplay about a cross-dressing heavyweight boxer who becomes a top embroiderer.

17. 30 Dongs Of Praise.

The evangelist bell-ringers of  M'Gangwe Settlement in North Yorkshire, who believe that bells are sacred, use their penises for clappers. Loyd Grossman investigates.

18. 00 Bomb The Bastards

Serious news analysis with Peter Snow and a load of models of tanks which light up and make realistic noises.

19. 00  FILM : Snowy et Zoe (Fr. 1967)

Fifi Jean-Maire stars as the miniature French proctologist who gets lost in Gerard Depardieu's header-tank –with hilarious consequences

Welsh subtitles for the deaf

21. 00 NEW SERIES: Cunty McNalty

Gregor Fisher stars as the lovelorn, stuttering train driver in 1940s Dundee falling in love with an aristocratic WAAF ambulance driver who eats toothpaste. With Sarah Lancashire.

(Continues After The News)

(c) Martin Newell 2003


6. 00 Good Morning Belgium

6. 30 Bimble Time

7. 57 Kowalski MD 

Former wartime pilot becomes a country vet in 1940s Yorkshire. Buttney Scoors Jr. stars

8. 00 The Bigger Picture

Two tory back-benchers go through the Sunday papers while some mush in important spectacles coughs a lot

9. 30 It's My House, Right?

Ugly twenty-something androids, the greed etched into their faces, make   disastrous décor decisions

10. 00 The Forgotten King.

Fascinating documentary on King Alan the First, who reigned in England for two years without anyone noticing.

11. 00 Bugger Me, It's…

Susan Hampshire is the amazed guest when  John and the boys turn up in her living room with The Big Red Buttock.

11.30 Peaches Vavoom MD

Wanda Heiney stars as the former goodtime girl fighting to become a top pathologist in a tough mining town.

12. 00 The News In Cockney

With Barbara and Frank Windsor

12. 35 The Weather In Leather

12. 40 Local Erection Special

The latest pole results.

13. 00 FILM  Mr Daisy Goes To Ghent. (1944)     

John Mills as the shy schoolmaster who volunteers to double for  Betty Grable and gets nailed to an American bomber in drag, in order to cheer the crew up.

15. 00: Antiques Ambulance.

This week the ambulance visits York.

15. 30 Bert Wom's Hot Kok

Nude Chinese cookery made easy.

16. 00 Big Brothel

Who will be the next unsuspecting clergyman to get kicked out of the house of ill-repute?

17. 00 FILM: A Few Good Hens

Clint Eastwood and Telly Savalas in this light musical comedy about a couple of lovelorn Ohio farmers driven to  illegal acts of farmyard passion.

19. 15 Tuesday On A Sunday

Another chance to see the actress Tuesday Weld talking about her new-found faith in Gaaaaad.

C 4

6. 00 Let's Cope!

6. 15  Farming In Welsh

6. 17  Dyke Racing From Cambridge

7. 00  Welcome Back, Frotter.

This week, Frotter finds himself in trouble on a crowded trolley-bus in San Francisco. Then romance blooms.

7. 30 Bonki The Donkey

Animated children's film from Spain

8. 00 Police Inaction!

This week the lads of the Colne Vale community policing team, stay in with the Playstation, while a riot breaks out in the pub just across the road.

9. 00 Emcee MD

Kennington Goober Jr as the ex-gangsta rapper who needs to prove to his colleagues that he can make the grade as an Ears, Nose and Throat specialist in a tough L.A clinic.

10. 00 FILM  Corporal Susan (1986)

A cross-dressing florist joins the SAS with her kitten and is put in charge of  guarding a captured Iraqi officer.

Romantic comedy with Demi Moore.

12. 00 No Going Forward

Documentary about people who buy cars and then find they don't know how to drive them.  With Brian Sewell.

13. 00 Celebrity Clubbing

This week it's Jade Goody and Anthea

Turner's  chance to beat members of the public with their oaken staves.

14. 00 Live From Cardiff !

George Jissholm's Jazz Explosion

The Geordie trad veteran wows Wales.

15. 00 The Fascist Show

Annie and Franni suggest makeover styles for dictators past and present.

16. 00 Ask Thurton

The half-qualified vet is back and this week, he has to deal with an abused  badger and a homesick llama. Awww.

17. 00 FILM Mahoney's Way (1959)

Richard Widdery stole the show from Burle Jackson in this story of a small-town lawyer who has to defend a circus clown charged with killing his tailor.

19. 00 The Large Box

Jeremy Paxman stands in the large box this week with  John Prescott.

20. 00 FILM: Easy up, M'Luv! (1962)

Banjo-crazy hospital porter falls in love with a lady judge. With Jim Dale.