Steve Dix...Comedian?

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19.02.2009 07:54 - Karnival.

It's carnival in Cologne. Oh Whoopee.

Many Germans are amazed when I tell them I don't like Carnival. Why? Well, if I wanted to have sex with drunk girls in unfeasably ridiculous costumes whilst pissed out of my mind, I could have stayed at home and gone down Birmingham Broad st. every Friday night.

Everyone laughs about how the normally sensible germans go off to work dressed in fancy dress on these days, when the usual bunch of homeless drunk tramps are replaced by altogether more colourful ones - usually unconscious clowns who have pissed themselves, garnished by their own vomit.

What amazes me about Carnival is the way the Germans do it - as though they're following a checklist or timetable or something. First of all, they start with the costume. Pirates are still in vogue, but, failing that, you can get by with something with a cheerful racist motif : The fake scotsman, red indian, or even a (gasp) Poller Negerkopf - basically the Cologne equivalent of a black-and-white minstrel. The offensiveness of your costume should be geared to your destination for the evening. For example, if you're going to an Irish Pub, it is apparently considered the epitome of good taste to dress in a T-shirt with "IRA" written on it, and continuously sing a little song about bombing and killing people. (I am not making this up, unfortunately) This will stand you in good stead for a fight.

Next, the alcohol. It is important that you get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. You can do this by necking back a whole box of Apfelkorn (apple brandy) as sold in most supermarkets. You can then maintain your unsobriety by downing occasional bottles of beer, the mixture of the beer and brandy being so powerful that ESA are currently investigating its applications as a rocket fuel.

This will set you up for the remainder of the day, which can be summed up largely as molesting unsuspecting foreign women, beating up anyone who protests at your molesting their girlfriend, or looks at you in a funny way, singing really, really fucking awful shite songs so bad that even drunks can sing them (but usually can't), and then finally sleeping it all off in the local hospital or local police station cells.

Then doing it all again on Monday once (if) you've recovered.

Köln fucking Alaaf.


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