Raptus Regaliter

So, what\'s on telly this christmas then?

Celebrity Changing Rooms
Prince Charles swaps Clarence House with Alfie from Eastenders, who, at the behest of Lawrence Luddite-Bowlegs, chucks out all that \"old\" furniture and paints over all the silk wall-covering with \"nice\" textured dulux matt emulsion.
Meanwhile, Dr. Who swaps the Tardis control-room for the flight-deck of the \"Liberator\" with Blake\'s 7, to find on return that it\'s all been replaced with dodgy cheap MDF. So, no change there then.

Christmas Flog it!
Greedy thirtysomethings put their entire worldly goods on auction on the advice of some clueless Public-school twit who\'s antique business has only been saved from bankruptcy by the invitation to present this programme from his old chum Jeremy, who happens to produce it. Laugh yourself shitless as the bids come up way short and they are landed with an auctioneer\'s bill double what they managed to raise.

Film : \"Mary Poppins does an Italian Job in the Love Bug\"
All your Xmas film favorites wrapped into one as the plucky nanny steals a ransome in gold bullion from the Mafia in her faithfull VW! Snicker with mirth as Dike van Dyck says \"You\'re only supposed to blow the bladdy chimleys off!\"

Christmas Location, Location!
Tedious Estate-Agent vermin-turned-daytime TV Presenters waffle on about \"Property Investments\" aimlessly until you develop chronic narcolepsy.

The Queen\'s Speech
Titled parasite deigns to speak to the common rabble that infest her gracious land.

Christmas Top Of The Pops
Not to be watched by people of a nervous disposition.

(at last)The Big Film - \"Jurassic Park 3\"
The Directors cut with an extra dinosaur.
You might as well forget watching this because granny\'s going to moan about it being rubbish all the way through because she wants.....

Christmas Coronation St.
Has Kevin got Casey-Leanne pregnant? Will Rita and Bill get back together? How did the Eckersley\'s christmas turkey turn out to be stuffed with bags of cocaine? Will Barry Ackroyd sell enough dodgy motors to afford a real christmas? Will Ivy forgive her son for leaving the programme and shacking up with that little tart out of \"Eastenders\"? (To be repeated ad nauseum throughout the week whenever there\'s anything else of actual interest on another channel)

followed by...

Christmas Eastenders
Has Darren got Kylie-Michelle pregnant? Will Sharon and Terry get back together? How did the Wankah\'s Turkey turn out to be stuffed with bags of cocaine? Will Frankie Geezer sell enough dodgy motors to afford real presents? Will Alfie forgive his daughter for leaving the programme to shack up with that lad off rivals \"Coronation St\"?. Will the episode end up with everybody forgiving and forgetting \"Cuz it\'s Kerizmahhsss\" (only to start whacking the shit out of each other again once the New Year\'s celebrations are over) and \'ave a good owld Gaw-blimey Lor-luvva-duck Cockerney Knees-up rahnd the owd Joanna-erm-Karaoke machine*? (Wiv Subtitles ahtsoide Laaahndon)

*\"Eastenders Xmas Knees-up\" CD available in the shops NOW! Buy it or you hate Xmas and your kids will call you Scrooge, leave home and go on the game, and it\'s all your fault, you bloody Skinflint.