09.09.2006 10:28 - The Cat's Revenge by Claude Balls
There I was, in bed, in that state where you're not quite dreaming but not quite awake. The state where your dreams are just beginning to happen but you're conscious enough to realise how silly they are.
So, Penelope Cruz has just finished rubbing the custard into the goat when I feel a weight on my chest.
Funny, I think, I haven't had asthma since I was a child.
Then the weight starts making a noise.
Oh my God, someone's left a two-stroke engine on my chest.
Penelope and the goat have both left in disgust, so I have no choice other than to open an eye.
I open one eye, to find a green, slitted eye staring back into it. It is Sooty, the black cat. At the same time, I feel a row of pinpricks on both nipples. I get the message. The message is "Stroke me, human, or you will lose your nipples."