27.05.2007 19:59 - What Binks Thinks
On the thirtieth anniversary of the historic Battle of Yavin, one lone dissenting voice has yet to tell it's side of the story.
Yes, Jar-Jar Binks is mad. Jaruron-Jaran Binks, (Jar-Jar was only a childhood nickname, he insists) has been continuously misrepresented as a fool, an idiot and a thief. Living in a modest retirement that belies his illustrious career as a soldier and a diplomat, Binks had barely heard of the "Journal of the Whills", until a friend told him to have a word with the local bookdroid. Binks booked out Chapter 1 of the saga and was horrified by what he read.
"First of all, I'm shown to be some kind of idiot child who's so dumb that he forgets he was banned from his own city," complains Jar-Jar, "When the truth was that I was an advance scout sent out to spy on the invaders. If anyone was falling over their own feet head-first into bogs, it was a certain Jedi apprentice who didn't even have the common sense to stop his weapon getting wet. I should have dropped that little runt where he stood, he was a weight round Qui-gon's neck. But no, Qui-gon had taken pity on the idiot. Apparently he was millimetres away from being out of the Jedi order on his arse. Which he seemed to spend most of his time upon, in my experience. You should tell your readers what 'Obi-Wan' means in low - and I mean LOW- Gungan." (Editor's note : It's apparently some sort of skin-fungus that attacks haemorrhoids, brought on from sitting too long in infected bog-water.)
Binks has always been shown as an incompetent who just happened to be in the right place at the right time. "Utter rubbish" is his response. "If anyone was incompetent, it was Kenobi. Do you seriously think that I was doing a Charlie Chaplain in the middle of one of the most desperate wars in Naboo history? All that 'muy-muy' stuff - I ask you! Does this sound like someone who should be even trusted with a fork, let alone a blaster! As for me being the one who gave Palpatine absolute power on a plate - that's a gross over-simplification of the facts. I was a junior, for heaven's sake! I couldn't have put a motion in the Senate toilet, let alone the main council chamber! If anything, I was the one saying that we should think things over! But no - I was one of the few people there who actually gave a womp-rat's ass for the people, and wasn't lining his pockets. I could tell you a few stories about some supposedly lily-white representatives whose planet was vaporised from under them due to non-payment of gambling debts."
Quizzed on Anakin Skywalker, Binks feels only sorrow. "He had enormous potential. He and Padme, they wanted a family. Of course, it was all a big mistake for him to be left in the charge of that incompetent idiot - that screwed everything up. The only reason that Palpatine got a foothold on him was due to that idiot Kenobi's training rubbing him up the wrong way. All that shit about fighting Anakin to a standstill and Anakin strangling his pregnant wife - as if! The twit Kenobi knocked her off a walkway and Anakin had to rescue her. Next thing he knows is Kenobi has both his legs off and runs off with his kids. A tragedy. And the next thing I know is he's a walking iron lung wracked with hate, and Kenobi hasn't even told him the kids were OK. Is this the way you treat a friend?"
"On the Wrong End of the Lightsaber", by 'Jar-Jar' Binks, is available now at all good Library droids. Price:4 New Republic Credits.
