Raptus Regaliter

I had a lot of trouble in the first months I was over here.

For example, I used to walk around Cologne and see the sign "Café geoffnet" everywhere. I thought it was a chain of internet cafés owned by an English Expat called Geoff.

You can imagine my disappointment, then, the first time I went in and ordered tea. Now, in England, when you order tea, you get tea. Nice, brown, steaming tea with milk in. Over here you get what is best described as a do-it-yourself tea kit. A teabag, a glass of hot water and a spoon, and they always forget the bloody milk. In some of the more poncey establishments you might get a sachet of lemon juice, but you usually end up having to ask for milk, which often gets strange looks and questions about coming from Hamburg. I say milk, although what you usually get is coffee creamer, which is crap.

Another thing I had problem with was kebabs. I'd walk past a greek kebab shop and see the word "Gyros" written in the window. Gyros? They're selling inertial guidance components? If I go in there and ask for one will I get "Little Nellie" out of "You Only Live Twice" ? That's when I realised that it must explain why, after you've had a skinful of beer and a kebab, you somehow manage to navigate your way home on autopilot.

PS: Note to smug know-it-alls, I already know that "gyros" comes from the greek root, meaning "rotate", so you needn't bother posting your smug little thesis on my comments, thank you.