Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Oh My God, what am I DOING with my life?! I could have been an Astronaut!


16.05.2004 11:29 - Eurovision Song Contest

I\'ve had the dubious pleasure last night of watching the standing joke that is the Eurovision Song Contest.

Some thoughts on the proceedings :  Turkey clearly haven\'t any idea.  They actually fielded an entry which had some credibility.  Well, it would have 20 years ago if it had come out of Coventry, but there you go.  This is Eurovision.  At least they clearly showed some belief in their own music - a conviction that seemed to be lacking from all the wannabee no-talents.  (I have a theory about music and performance that I\'ll clarify in another column.)

Secondly, it\'s clear that the \"Search For A Superstar\" mentality has hit Eurovision as well.  Most of the acts jigged about like they had severe crotch itch, making their vocals sound like they\'re singing whilst being sexually assaulted with a large vibrator. (don\'t ask how I know what that sounds like.  You\'ll only be disappointed.)  Correct me if I\'m wrong, but isn\'t the competition sub-titled \"A SONG for Europe\" not \"A Hyperventilating Bunch of Dancing Prats for Europe\"?  I seem to recall that about half of the candidates leapt about trying to make the tawdry little ditties they were droning seem interesting.  I think the reason they were jumping about as well was to try and hide the fact that they were just arsing about to a pre-taped backing track.  Some of them, at least, had a few musicians pretending to play behind them.  (As far as I\'m concerned, people who sing to backing tracks aren\'t worth the money.  They\'re just a more egostistical version of Karaoke).

Thirdly, whoever was in charge of mixing the sound should have been shot.  I\'ll rephrase that.  Whoever was in charge of mixing the sound for TV had possibly been subjected to operating heavy machinery at 90Db for more than the recommended period without ear-defenders, because the sound was AWFUL.  The backing tracks seemed to be submerged, the performers quite clearly couldn\'t hear their own voices in relation to the track (especially Ireland, who seemed to be singing off-key.. but then again, perhaps they don\'t want to host it ever again).  The sound for TV seemed to have been recorded by a single microphone at the back of the hall.

Fourthly, the voting.  This was a complete laughing-stock.  It was quite clear that voting was being done in a tactical manner - voting for neighbouring countries, for example.  How ANYONE could give ANY points to the disaster that was the Russian entry and keep a straight face, I don\'t know, and Cyprus, in my opinion, was robbed.

SO : The 49th Eurovision.  A disaster from start to end, featuring talentless egomaniacs belching out tedious dirges guffed out by It\'s-A-Living Songwriters ltd - a monument to all that is wrong in the Music Industry and an encapsulation of all that is ridiculous about manufactured pop acts.

No change there, then. 

\"My Lovely Horse\", anyone?


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