15.10.2008 08:00 - Wanking For World Peace
There was an article in the paper recently about all the things men have to do to remain healthy at 40. Halfway down the list is - and get this, guys - three orgasms PER WEEK! Three! Minimum!
This is a huge relief - well, you know what I mean - because it means I can use this as evidence. Don't give me that "on average“ crap - It says here : THREE! Per Week! Written By A Doctor! MINIMUM! I don't care if you have a headache! Get your hand on the gland! This is a medical emergency! As for those magazines in the top of the wardrobe - I have a prescription!
The alternative is, of course... Wanking.
Masturbation used to be referred to as "self-abuse“. Self-purification, more like. Never mind that rubbish about God killing a kitten if you wank - that's Catholic propaganda. If you don't believe me, try masturbating furiously whilst "Rolf's Animal Hospital" is on TV in the background and see if any of the cats die. (But don't masturbate TO it, for heaven's sake. If you can reach orgasm whilst watching that you're very weird indeed.)
If God didn't want you to wank, why did he give you an opposable thumb?
GOD: "Hmm. My creation is violent - he slays his brother with the jaw-bone of an ass! I better incorporate a little safety-valve.. All it needs is a little tug...and I'll make it lower the IQ by 60%, like football.“
Seriously, if you're upset, angry, lonely, fed-up... Have a wank. You'll feel much better for it. You'll get the custard off your chest. Some of the greatest wars in history could have been avoided by a quick hand-shandy - look at some of the most famous Generals in history:
Monty: The man looked desperate for a wank.
Patton: One blow-job and most of Cologne would still be here.
It works for Presidents as well.
Nixon – Vietnam!
Reagan - "Bringing Up Bonzo“ - er - Grenada!
Bush Sr. – Iraq!
Bush Jnr - Iraq!
.....Monica Lewinsky should have won a Nobel Peace Prize for her actions.
You want more proof: Look at teenagers. If they wank, it's good-time rock and roll all the way!
The ones who don't wank go Emo - Black hair, depression, the works.
"Nobody loves me, I think I'll write some miserable poetry and listen to tuneless whiny shit...
...Or I could just have a wank...Where's that sock?“
(2 Minutes Later)
"Oooh! That's better! Put some Jimi Hendrix on!“
Forget Mummy telling you it was dirty, she was just jealous because Daddy couldn't find her clitoris, or as it's frequently known, "the devil's doorbell".
BING BONG!! Orgasm Calling!
Oh yes, Women wank as well. It's just that they don't have to hide the evidence. You can tell the doorbell was invented by men. You just press it and – result! If a woman had invented the doorbell, you'd have to spend hours searching the door for it, and when you find it, you can't just press it, you'd have to gently stroke round it in circles.
The people I feel sorry for are Catholic priests - they've given it all up, and every day they have to listen to what they're missing during confession, which must be really hard for the cat-loving priests.
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cracked one off during 'Boston Legal'“
"was it the blonde lawyer with the big norks, my son?“
"I beg your pardon, Father?“
"You're the fourth one today. Say three hail Marys and thank God it wasn't William Shatner, because then you’d be damned on two counts.”
Meanwhile, up in heaven:
GOD: Go on, my son! It'll do you good! Praise the work of my divine hand with your hand!“
KITTEN : Miaow! Erk! (Kitten dies)
GOD: "A small price to pay for world peace!“
As for Buddhism... don't believe that shit about bliss via contemplation of the universe. Believe me, that's not what they're contemplating. Yes, we know what you're doing under that robe. That's what they mean by the sound of one hand clapping.