09.12.2005 08:30 - A Letter
Dear Sir, Madam or Computer
Thank you for your persistent and irritating correspondence, copies of which are enclosed, inviting me to pay a bill for 0.009 cents.
You will notice that in the past month, you have sent me no less than four of these letters, plus a final demand. This has cost you, in each case, 30 cents in postage to send me this. It has then cost me at least an hour of my valuable time (and you will discover just how valuable by looking at the enclosed bill for 'consultation') for each subsequent letter you have sent me, to phone your helpline, sit in a queue whilst being charged premium rates, listening to the same six notes from "Onward Christian Soldiers" being beeped at me ad nauseum by something you got out of one of those Novelty Christmas Cards, until, on the verge of hysteria, one of your helpline people finally answers the phone. I then have to explain that you have sent me a bill that is ridiculous and impossible to pay, which your helpline person then has to spend ten minutes going through your ridiculous and antiquated computer system to find. He then has to consult with his line manager, which he does by putting me on that bloody hold music again, whilst he goes via the scenic route, taking in the lavatory, the coffee machine and a quick ciggy break, before assuring me that the bill was in error and has been cancelled, only for us to have to go through the same bloody charade next week, because your other computer system has re-instructed your computer system to re-charge the bill, because the other other computer system is bullying the other two computer systems and nicking their dinner money.
Well, I am not happy with your service. I want to know why your other other computer system has been telling the other two computer systems lies about me. I want to know why it has it in for me. I want to know what it finds so important about charging me this money. I want to know what these computers are doing with all this money that they are sneakily charging me for, and what you are doing to bring them to book. I want to know what fuckwit in your IT department hasn't got the sense to put in a rounding statement into your billing system. I want to wake up in the morning looking forward to life. I want to be able to look a postman in the eye without having a panic attack. I want you to stop sending me bills for 0.009 cents.
Please find enclosed a bill for all the time and trouble you have cost me. I expect payment of the due account forthwith.
Consultancy Fees, Useless Banking Co. Correspondence : 0.0009 Euros
Please Note : Failure to pay this invoice by the due date will
lead to overdue charges, typically calculated @ 6% per month.
Failure to pay after two reminders may lead to Legal Action.