Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

All Hate Emails will be returned with corrected spelling.

08.10.2009 07:42 - What's Black and Hangs from the Ceiling?

Everything was going swimmingly with the new kitchen.  The new ceiling was in, the old kitchen was out, and the decorating was going well.

Then came the electricians.

Not on time, of course.  Either the constant flux of electrons around them causes some strange magnetic field that warps time, or they're just too plain thick to read a clock.   They were supposed to show up on Monday at 8am.  They showed up on Wednesday at 9, Just one day before the kitchen had to be installed.  Do they use Myspace Calendar to plan appointments, or what? When we asked them where they'd been, just stared at us with a puzzled expression, like a dog that's just been shown a card-trick.  I mean, you'd think that to work with electric, some sort of basic understanding of physics and maths would be amongst the necessary qualifications, wouldn't you?  As opposed to 3 stars at McDonalds, which roughly means "Can be trusted with a deep-fat fryer without inflicting major burns on himself".  I asked one of them if he knew Ohm's Law and he replied that he didn't watch detective shows.  

For God's sake!  We're talking about Georg Ohm here!  The man DISCOVERED the damn law in Cologne! 

Now, look.  Normally I think it's bad taste to make fun of the mentally deficient, but in the case of electricians, I'll make an exception, because the bastards deserve it.  It's the only explanation for the permanent dazed look on their faces.  That or they enjoyed the electro-shock therapy so much they decided to get a job where they could get it for free.

As for their work?  Oh. My. God.  You'd think the normal way to install a switch or socket in a plasterboard wall would be to use a circular saw on a drill, wouldn't you?  Rather than flailing away at the wall with a lump-hammer yelling "Get in! Get in!", which is apparently the preferred method, because there are inch-deep protuberances on the other side of the wall in our living room where they've hammered the sockets in.  I pointed this out to the main idiot, who replied "That's OK, it hasn't ripped the wallpaper."   Oh yeah?  How about I whack your stupid skull with that lump-hammer till it caves in?  That's OK, it hasn't broken the skin, has it?

What the hell does an electrician need a lump-hammer for, anyway?  To punish naughty electric?  "Bad electric!  Naughty Electric! It bit me! Get back in the wire!"

Apparently they've recently discovered the frozen body of a Neanderthal man in an ice cave in Austria.  Next to the body they found a reel of cable and a lump-hammer.  The cave had great big holes in it that looked half-finished.


Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix