23.02.2005 09:33 - Dubya in Mainz.
So, George W. Bush is visiting Mainz today. Why Mainz, you ask?
Quite simple. With Dubya\'s propensity for verbal gaffes even greater than his Dad\'s mate Dan Quayle (Remember him? Remember how worried we were that he might end up President if Bush senior croaked on the job?), they daren\'t send him anywhere else.
The thing is, American Presidents can\'t really get it round their heads that \"ein\" is not used in declaring citizenship. Kennedy famously claimed \"Ich bin ein Berliner\", which translates as \"I am a doughnut\". Not surprising then, that he died with a big hole through his head. It was lucky he didn\'t try and say he was warm-hearted, as \"Warme Berliner\" translates as \"hot doughnut\", and \"warme\" is also slang for Homosexual.
Bill Clinton, in his visit to Cologne, similarly claimed \"Ich bin ein Kölsch\", which translates as \"I am a beer\". If Clinton had said it correctly, then it would probably explained his later behaviour. He could have put his affair with Monica down to just high spirits during Carnival.
Now, given that Dubya isn\'t the most international of Presidents, (he once claimed that the French have no word for \'entrepreneur\') they daren\'t send him to anywhere with comedy foodstuff value. This rules out Berlin, Hamburg, Frankfurt (both of them), Thüringen (it\'s a sausage), Koblenz (it\'s a cake), Aachen (home of Printen- a hard biscuit) and in fact, most of the rest of Germany. You can imagine the consternation in the Whitehouse as Condoleeza Rice and Dick Cheney flick nervously through the CIA\'s Atlas of the World, whilst Dubya rides his tricycle round the room..
\"Gee, can we go to that red Island, Dick? My friend Tony lives there! Please can we?\"
\"Just a moment, George, Condi and I are planning your trip to Germany.\"
\"Aw, gee, do I have to go? I don\'t like that guy Schrodo, he dyes his hair like uncle Ronnie did.\"
\"Patience, George... Nah, we can\'t send him to Magdeburg, that\'s too long for him to pronounce. Besides, they did that thing with the sphere and the horses there. He\'d only get confused and say something about big balls if we told him about that.\"
\"Wait a god-damn-cotton-pickin\' minute, Dick! Look here! It\'s short, it\'s not hard to pronounce, and has no comedy foodstuff value! There\'s even an airport nearby, so we can probably find a pilot who knows the way there! Get Airforce One warmed up and get the kid!\".
Mainz. It\'s short, easy to pronounce and has no comedy food value.