Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Oh My God, what am I DOING with my life?! I could have been an Astronaut!

23.07.2006 17:43 - Building an Anti-Gravity Drive.

This weekend, I have been experimenting with my anti-gravity drive. Having failed to construct a time-machine out of the washing machine - mainly due to the fact that if I did succeed, I wouldn't have any clean clothes - I've decided to look closer to home for the components of the system.

I've noticed two major phenomena that I am attempting to harness.

  1. Buttered toast always lands butter-side down.
  2. Cats always land on their feet

So, what I've been doing is attempting to counterbalance the two forces so that they cancel each other out, and gravity in the process. I do this by attaching a freshly-buttered piece of toast to the back of the cat with a pair of elastic bands, and then dropping the cat from the balcony.

Before you all accuse me of being cruel, we're only on the first floor, and the cat in question has jumped from the balcony of his own volition many times. The fact that I was chasing him with a great big broom might have influenced his decision to do so, but the important fact is that he's always landed safely.

I could, have course, done this experiment by buttering both sides of the toast. I have in fact done so, and there's a whole loaf-worth of "Mother's Pride" standing on its edges in the garden to prove it, so I took it upon myself to vary the forces involved.

The alternative is to strap two cats together with gaffer tape.

Have you ever tried to strap two cats together with gaffer tape?

It's not advisable without protective clothing. It's hard enough strapping toast to the back of one (albeit small) cat.

Success? Well, I'm not there, yet, but there are signs that I have tapped the unbelievable power of zero-point energy. The problem is to find the right-size loaf of bread. Too large, and the cat implodes in mid-air.

Too small, and you just end up with cat hair in your breakfast.


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