03.04.2008 07:30 - The Dark Matter Problem
Modern Science is currently debating the mysteries of dark matter. Dark matter is matter that cannot be observed directly, as it does not interact with normal matter, but whose effects can be observed on normal matter.
Well, I reckon I know what dark matter is.
If you don't believe me, have a look under your bed. I don't care how recently you vacuumed under there, you'll always find a load of fluff. The vacuum could actually be creating the fluff. Hawking posits that it's full of energy, although that could be his excuse for not changing the bag on it. He's got a Dyson, so he can watch it swirling round. How did he get the Dyson? I'll tell you. He got a big grant to study the vacuum, so he needs a transparent one so he can study the goings-on in detail.
Dark matter also explains all those odd socks and missing ballpoint pens. Think about it. How often does one of your socks disappear into thin air, or your pen disappear behind your back? They're spontaneously transmuting into dark matter, that's what's happening.
How does normal matter suddenly become dark matter, then, clever-clogs?
I'm glad you asked me that. You see, all matter is built up of particles that operate on a quantum level. Quantum theory shows that the act of observing a subatomic particle changes the particle. This was proven by Erwin Schrödinger by being cruel to several cats. (I don't know if you've ever tried that experiment, but it's extremely dangerous. What Schrödinger doesn't mention about the probability waveform collapse inherent in the opening of the box is that there's a large standing-wave present, which usually collapses into the form of a very pissed-off cat. The trick is to get a cat that likes hiding in boxes, and wait until you hear purring before you open the box.) Anyway, what Schrödinger didn't realise is that this is the exact reason why socks and pens disappear. Looking at your sock causes a change, and sometimes that change is the transmutation into dark matter. Once it's changed into dark matter, the object will stay in that configuration exactly long enough for you to get really irritated and have an argument with your girlfriend, whereupon it will transform back just at the point that she goes and looks for it.
And the next morning, the cat will get it's own back by clawing your nipples whilst you're asleep.