Raptus Regaliter

...welcoming you onboard the very latest in cheap second-hand refurbished aircraft. This modern aeroplane, bought at rock-bottom prices via Ebay, has been fitted with the latest in extremely cheap safety equipment, and so we ask you to familiarise yourself with our safety precautions before we have a horrible crash and you end up looking silly by having to ask. In a moment our two stewardesses, Miss Blumpkin and Miss Swallow, will be demonstrating our safety procedures, so please pay attention, but not too much attention, such as staring unblinkingly at their breasts, otherwise they'll get a little upset and spill hot coffee in your lap later on in the flight.

In the event of an accident, such as a sudden, violent depressurization of the cabin, oxygen masks that look suspiciously like yoghurt pots attached to aquarium tubing will drop from the console above you. Place the mask over your mouth, pull the tube..gently..to release the oxygen and breathe normally. Well, about as normally as you can when you're screaming as the blood spurts out of your ears at six miles high.

If the tube comes off, please use the button above your seat to call a Stewardess who will help you reassemble it. Please remember to fit your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else too slow or stupid to survive. If you have any small children or toddlers, best kiss them goodbye now and tell them that you love them very much, as they won't be able to hear above the tortured shriek of the airframe as the wings finally give way.

Should you hear the words, "Brace, brace!", place your head between your legs and your hands on top of your head. This will place your head at a point where impact with the seat in front of you will snap your neck immediately and cause sudden yet painless death. Please make sure you have your hands over your head during the impact as this prevents it becoming detached and rolling around, inconveniencing the other passengers during emergency disembarkation.

Thank you and try and enjoy your flight.