Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Oh My God, what am I DOING with my life?! I could have been an Astronaut!

02.05.2008 18:28 - On Her Majesty's Super-Sexy Secret Service

Let me introduce myself : Agent 0069, codename : studmuffin, at your service. I'm licenced to Thrill. I am of course, armed and dangerous. My weapon is always cocked, and it has a hair trigger. My other weapon is this feather. I like to call it "The Punisher". I've made a lot of enemy agents squeal with that one. Several friendly ones as well.

It takes a very special woman to love a super-spy, or several average ones at the same time. I'd tell you more, but I'd have to kill you first.

Which reminds me of a recent mission of mine - a Lurve mission. I was cornered by a beautiful Russian spy. She admitted she worked for the KGB - the Kremlin Gas Bureau. She told me her name was Ivanka Popova, but that I could call her "little Vanka".

So I did.

She took me back to her Dacha. She let me in the back door, and took me through the kitchen, upstairs and into the bedroom. It was pitch dark. I reached for the light switch, but before I could find it someone grabbed my weapon and emptied it all over the floor. It took some time. Finally, the light went on, and there she was in front of me - Little Vanka. She pulled out her weapon - a huge black one - and waved it in my face.

"So, Agent Studmuffin", she sneered, "I'm going to blow you away."
"Thank heaven", I said, "I thought you were going to kill me."
"Come now, Mr. Studmuffin -"
"I'm trying."
"Come now, one swallow does not a summer make."
"Yes, but it could make my whole evening."
"Quit with the creepy jokes, Studmuffin. I have my weapon pointed at your heart."
"And I have MY weapon pointed at you....lower down.... and it may go off at any minute."

That reminds me of my time behind the curtain. Not the Iron Curtain, the bedroom curtain. Her husband came back from work early. He pulled it open and growled "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm waiting for a bus."
"You're naked except for a condom."
"It looked like rain."
I'd tell you more, but I'd have to kill you first.

But it isn't all fun and games being a super-secret agent. I was recently targetted for assassination by a Muslim Fundamentalist Death Squad. I said "Fellas, you don't want to kill me, because when you get to heaven, there won't be any virgins left for you." Then there was the time I went undercover as a go-go dancer in a gay bar in Munich. I lived in fear of my cover being breached. I was pretty sore when it was. Then again, I recently completed astronaut training at the European Space Agency. I came my class, and the female examiner complimented me on one hell of a re-entry.

I'd tell you more, but I'd have to kill you first.

Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix