Raptus Regaliter

The European Space Agency are searching for new Astronauts, but I can't help but think that they're going about it all wrong. In these days of squeezed budgets, even NASA is having to find ways to suppliment its income - by offering dinner with astronauts at the Kennedy Space Center. (No, really, I'm not joking. It's there in all the holiday brochures if you don't believe me).

So I think that ESA drop all the seriousness and go for the big one. Prime-time TV, "Europe's Next Spaceman", getting all the satellite channels to buy in - because if they don't, well, one of their satellites might meet with a bit of an accident, know what I mean, Guv? We're up there and you're down there, hint, hint.

So, we'll start off with an all-star board of judges. George Lucas - because he really knows how to sell this space stuff - Sigourney Weaver, because she has a lot of relevant experience with aliens, and finally, a real astronaut - Buzz Aldrin (but only if he's entertaining enough.)

Then we bring on the candidates.

Forget all the strict health checks, we can bring them on later. Right now, what we're aiming at is good TV for the 21st century. And you know that good TV in the 21st Century means humiliating Joe Public before an audience of millions. We'll get in all the hopeless candidates - the ones who come in wearing their own homemade bacofoil space-suits, the trekkies, the flying-saucer brigade etc. and we'll make complete fools of them in prime-time. Just think of the laughter as Buzz sends off another inadequate by saying "Houston, we don't have a problem, but boy, that guy certainly has!"

Once we've sorted out the vaguely decent candidates, then we change tack - more "Supermodel". Each week, they get a task, and we follow them through it. We'll centrifuge them till they puke, dump them in the weightless pools, run shuttle simulations of near-fatal re-entries and see how far they can drive across America without going to the toilet.

At the end, Heidi Klum will present them with a photograph, but not before we've reduced each candidate to tears to the theme from Battlestar Galactica.

Pretty dumb, huh?  Well, here's a surprise, IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.  The UK's Channel 4 did it, but there was no hope of the candidates getting into orbit.  It was all a joke.

Then again, wouldn't you once just like to see someone on the TV actually doing something to advance mankind, rather than indulging in stupid self-aggrandising games to indulge a voyeuristic public's schadenfreude at the humiliation of others?

Hm?