Raptus Regaliter

I was watching “Star Wars” the other day. Now I don't know about you, but I don't think we're getting the full story about Han Solo and Chewbacca. Two batchelors, who live on a spaceship, which is extraordinarily tidy by most batchelor standards. Plus Han Solo always wears those tight pants and riding boots, and it has to be said, Chewbacca walks around naked all the time except for a big leather belt. Han calls him “Chewie”

You never see Chewbacca brushing himself, do you?

I mean, we had an afghan hound and you should have seen the back seat of our car - but there's not one single hair in the Millenium Falcon. I know what you're thinking - R2-D2 does the hoovering with that third foot of his.
But even if they aren't gay - and let's face it, C3PO is really the main suspect - can you imagine what it must be like sharing with a wookie?

"Chewie, have you finished in the bathroom?“
"Rarrrrrgh!“
"What do you mean, bad hair day?!“
"Raarrrgh!“
"I don't care, just hurry up in there – and don’t use my razor!“
"Rarrrgh!“
"I haven't used any of your shampoo!“
"Rarrrgh!“
"And try and remember to pull the fur out of the plughole this time! I thought you'd drowned an Ewok in there!“
"Rahrg rarhg rahhhh rarhg?!“
"Don't flush it down the toilet, last time you did that it was blocked for a month!“

And it doesn't just stop there. Have you noticed that Princess Leia is the only woman aboard the Death Star?  Even then, it's only because she's locked up and tortured by the main bad guy, who wears a mask and black leather, and is into galactic domination and heavy breathing.  He also turns out to be her own father.

Which is a bit of a surprise, because he doesn't sound very Austrian.

In fact, throughout three films, you never, ever see a single female woman of the opposite sex aboard any Imperial starships - except possibly the bounty hunters in episode two. For all we know one of them could be female.

I reckon that someone was cutting corners building the Death Star, as well. For a start : there's no handrails on any of the bridges across the big trenches. The thing is as big as a small moon, yet you can blow it up by blocking a single exhaust port. The controls for the tractor beam are stuck in a place about half a mile away from the main control room, on a narrow shelf which is enough to give anyone vertigo. Haven't these people heard of Health and Safety at Work regulations?

And then, there’s the storm-troopers.

If I was going to clone a race of soldiers, I'd make sure I used a donor who can shoot straight, and was capable of winning a fight against a teddy bear.

Don't give me that "Endor Aboriginal Protection Order" shit.