Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

It's not just the times, it's the species.

22.05.2009 19:27 - English as she is Speaked.

Attention, Germans!  Your English is not as good as you think it is!

Let me explain.

The simple fact is, that most of you, at least the ones who can be bothered, speak extremely bad English.  However, since in England, good manners are considered to be paramount, we don't actually tell you so, because point this out would be considered appallingly rude.  Rudeness is, of course, a German national trait, to the point of you actually being proud of it.  You elbow your way past people, you moan and complain constantly and "excuse me" seems to be completely foreign to you.  Well it would be, because you ARE foreign, aren't you? 

That's what "foreign" REALLY means in England : rude.   You take it to levels which would, if you were English, would, frankly, result in you receiving a punch on the nose. Not only do you not open doors for women, the elderly or inconvenienced, you also actively hurry to get through the door so that you don't have to hold it, you bunch of inconsiderate bastards.

I can only presume that your behaviour is due to the hideous amounts of treacle-thick coffee that you drink.  Perhaps if you drank more tea, you'd lighten up a little - and whilst we're on that, can you at least learn to make a decent cup of tea?  Put the damn tea in boiling water, for heaven's sake.  If I ever see another one of those ridiculous make-your-own-tea kits that your insulting waiters have the cheek to bring, with a thimbleful of tepid water, I swear I'll scream.  Apropos waiters, there's a reason why the English tip badly : It's because your service is even worse than English service.

Now, it follows, that when I am trying to speak to you in German, I will naturally expect the same level of courtesy that I extend to you when you are making a complete fuck-up of my language.  I expect you to shut up and not interrupt until the end of the sentence.  This shows that you are trying to understand what I am attempting to convey to you in my broken german.  Interrupting to correct minor trivialities does NOT suggest you are trying to understand.  It suggests that you are an unspeakable prick who is trying to score minor points by nitpicking.  If you continue to do this, most English people will consider you to be extremely rude, and will start talking to you in the special tone of english reserved for young children, the mentally deficient, and fucking arrogant foreigners who sorely need a punch on the nose.

On NO account attempt to correct my English.  That is REALLY asking for it, and I will switch to dialect, or, even worse, Welsh, and you can bloody well twlych y dyn y contiau Sachsen.   Platt just doesn't enter into it.

But I digress.

Most of you speak a version of English that was imported via America.  Unfortunately, American English grammar has been badly corrupted by the large amount of Germans who never learnt it properly.  You say "got" when you should say "have", and that's VERY bad.  It is "I don't have" not "I don't got".   Secondly, you seem to have a very strange habit of insisting that inanimate objects have a sex.  This is probably due to you having sex with inanimate objects. (But enough about German women)  Let's get a couple of basic facts into your arrogant little skulls, shall we?  If something has a willy, it is male.  If it has tits and a vagina, it is female.  If it has neither, it is an IT.  If it has both, then it's probably French.  End of argument.

Right, next, pronunciation.  These two letters - "th" are not pronounced Ter-her or "sss".  They are pronounced by putting your tongue against your top set of teeth and blowing.  Saliva should NOT escape during this process. Likewise, the letter "V" is Veee, not "fau" and "W" is "dubya", not "V".  Likewise, GH is pronounced "fff".  It's really quite simple.  We don't bother with silly dots everywhere, we use two letters to represent one sound.  Likewise, the R is pronounced at the front of the mouth, not like you've swallowed something. If you can say "I think thick round things thaw very thoroughly" without hissing or gargling, you're getting there.  

Don't get me wrong.  I do actually like living here.  I do enjoy the company of Germans.  But it is about time that you learnt to speak the language properly, or stop speaking it and let us get a word in edgeways in your language.

Alles klar?  Till then, you can fuck right off.

Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix