Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Wasting your company bandwidth since 2003.


03.05.2005 15:24 - How To Do Voting And Stuff

It has occurred to me, upon reading the latest blog bullshit... er latest edition of "Techieblognoratipus wow yeah", that there are many of you out there who are so weak-minded and suggestible that you will look to the Blogosphere to sort out how you should vote on this coming election day.

I have, therefore, taken it upon myself to provide a guide on how to exercise your democratic right.

  1. You should have recieved, via post, a card with your voting details and nearest Poll-station upon it. Take that card to the poll-station. Preferably on the day that is printed on the card, although you get extra points for turning up early.
  2. You should be able to prove that you have the physical and mental agility to vote, therefore it will be considered a good sign if you hop into the polling station whilst repeating the two-times-table, backwards (both the hopping and the table).
  3. You must then give your card to the Polling-clerk. It is good manners to greet him/her by their traditional title, "Mr. Potty-head". He will give you your polling paper.
  4. It is important that you give proof that you are who you say you are by marking your vote slip with your own D.N.A. The easiest way to do this is to blow your nose on it.
  5. You must then vote in the voting booth. There are only a limited number of voting booths, so help speed up the voting process by squeezing into one that is already occupied.
  6. You may now vote, with the pen provided in the booth. However, this pen may be defective, and so it is best to bring your own felt-tip crayon.
  7. Mark an X next to the name of the candidate you wish to vote for.
  8. To make sure, draw a big red circle round the name of the candidate.
  9. To make absolutely sure, write "yes please!" next to their name.
  10. Draw big red arrows pointing to the candidate's name, and a big red heart right next to it.
  11. To make sure that they don't mistake you voting for another candidate, cross out the names of the other candidates. In brown, if possible. Write "no thanks!" and "ugh!" next to their names.
  12. Draw a nice picture of a frog on the back.  It's not much fun counting ballot slips, and the counters appreciate a good laugh.
  13. You must now take your vote to the ballot box.
  14. It is important that your vote remain secret, so set fire to it and post it into the ballot box.

You may now leave the Polling-station, safe in the knowledge that you have done your bit, and that no Politician will bother you for another four years, unless they've started a war that they desperately need your help to finish.

It also helps to know that, to keep your vote secret, you have the right under British Law to kill anyone who attempts to conduct an exit poll.


Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix