18.09.2005 12:16 - Dachshunds
The Dachshund is a mean and bitter creature - as would you be if you looked like that. Specially-bred over centuries so that they were the right shape to be forced headfirst into a Badger sett to forcibly evict the owner - which, in its self, is no laughing matter for either the dog or the badger - the dachshund has a long, sausage-shaped body supported by ridiculously short legs, long, comical, floppy ears, and a psychotic temperament to top it all off.
Of course, the psychotic personality isn't helped by the fact that people laugh at them. It's one thing to be a born-vicious killer. It's another thing to be a born-vicious killer that everyone laughs at, and calls "sausage-dog".
Inside every Dachshund is a wolf, that wonders just what the hell happened. One moment you're wandering the grassy plains in a pack, and then you accept a piece of meat from a hairless primate for the chance to sit next to his fire, and before you know it, your legs have shrunk, your ears are floppy stupid-looking things, you have trouble keeping up with the rest of the dogs and climbing stairs with an erection, and you're predisposed to a lifetime of back problems. It's no surprise to learn that Dachshunds feel that they got the short end of the deal. No-one takes them seriously, even when they bite your ankles. Association with a dachshund is an instant ticket to derision. Imagine if a Bond Villain had a dachshund instead of a cat - he'd be laughed out of SPECTRE by all the other Evil Geniuses. Bond would have a hard time keeping a straight face whilst he told them his plans just before he attempted to kill him.
See? Dachshunds just don't cut the mustard. They're crap and they know it. That's why they're so bitter.