Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Foraging for food in the bins beside the Information Highway.

26.10.2005 19:00 - Foil Hats for Beginners

Today, I would like to talk about the crisis in Western Government. It has become clear to me that there are serious problems in our respective Governments, or, as I like to call them, our Evil Alien Lizard Overlords.

It has become quite clear to me, since the accident, that the present directionless Leadership that we are experiencing is nothing more than a plot by sinister alien forces to take over the planet. Witness the lifting of ecological bans on pollution limits, the slow poisoning of our drinking water with fluoride and dioxin, and the conspiracy of our leaders with greedy capitalists to accelerate the pollution and depletion of our natural resources, causing the greenhouse effect. Why would anyone in their right mind want to do this?

Because they're being controlled by alien lizards bent on converting the climate of our planet into a desert, that's why. Their optimum atmosphere is that of a radiation-scorched desert where no earth-creature can survive, with the possible exception of Keith Richards - and I'm not so sure that he isn't really one of them. How do I know this? Because I'm wearing a tin-foil hat to block out their mind-control rays, that's how. I am able to see the behaviour of the controlled for what it really is.

The truth is that we are at a crucial point in our history. At the moment, there are not so many Lizard Overlords on the planet, and so they're having to use mind-rays to control the population. Fortunately these mind-rays are easily-blocked by a hat made of common-or-garden baking foil. However, the Lizards know this, and have arranged for fake instructions on how to make your own to be posted onto the internet. How do you know if the hat is fake? Simple. Because the foil doesn't cover the ears. Why should it cover the ears? To stop the brain-slugs from crawling in. Yes, most of our politicians have had evil mind-controlling brain-slugs stuck in their ears. I know this, because if you watch them in the UN, they've got those little plugs in their ears. Those are there because the brain slugs have bored into their cortex, and they have to wear them to stop the brain-slug slime from leaking out, because it's terrible stuff to get out of your clothes, as Monica Lewinsky found out.

But Steve, I can hear you ask, if these mind-rays are so easy to block, how come they manage to retain their grip on the population? I'll tell you how. By forcing you all to wear a mind-controlling psychotronic apparatus that beams Evil Lizard instructions directly into your subconscious. People who use these things are so under their control that they've even got them paying to download new instructions over the internet.

However, time is running out. There are more and more Evil Alien Lizard Overlords disguised as humans. Look at the person next to you. Are you really sure that they are human, and not a venom-spitting Evil Lizard Creature? I'm certainly not sure about my girlfriend. Has your partner recently lost interest in sex, making excuses like "Lay your eggs in the corner and I'll spray my seed over them later"? Have they started to visit the Solarium more often than is healthy? Do they take an unusual interest in "Rolf's Animal Hospital" when small, furry rodents are featured? Do they swallow their breakfast egg whole by unhinging their jaw? Has your kid's hamster mysteriously disappeared? Does your partner insist on long beach holidays somewhere really hot? Did they absent-mindedly greet an Iguana as an old friend during a visit to the local Zoo terrarium?  Do they express hunger after looking in the local pet shop window?

They have already sent a senior Overlord to take control. Look at Angela Merkel, or, as she is really known, "The Brood Mother". Notice how her skin doesn't really seem to fit? Notice the lisp? It's because of the forked tongue. For your own sake, wake up and LOOK at your Politicians! Edmund Stoiber - he speaks a strange language that no-one outside his clique can understand! George W. Bush - so befuddled by high-powered mind-rays he can barely string a sentence together! Michael Howard - enough slime for a whole colony of mind-slugs to be in there!

This is why I have founded an organisation to oppose the Evil Alien Lizard Overlords. This organisation is called "Allied Nations Against Lizard Spacemen EXtraterrestrials". To be honest, the title is temporary until we find a better name. For some strange reason, it seems to attract the wrong sort of person. Our recruitment drives don't seem to be going very well, either. Last week I nearly got arrested for distributing leaflets outside a Convent school. Our website keeps getting an enormous amount of visitors, but I reckon that's just the Evil Alien Lizard Overlords checking up on us.

So, there you have it. Get some foil and make yourself a proper hat like mine. Whilst you're at it, wrap any pets you have in tin-foil, to prevent them being used as spies against you. I wrapped the cat up last night, and it was obviously under their control, by the way it fought and scratched.

I must leave you now, as it's really difficult to type in this jacket. Just remember, keep your eyes peeled, and, if you meet someone you can trust, invite them to join our organisation. But be careful, as if you ask any of the Lizard-controlled, they'll immediately attack you.

Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix