Raptus Regaliter

²¹Lo! It came to pass, and The Lord did look upon it, and found that it was good. And the people did look upon it, and they were sore vexed, for they had not used the ointment, and they did run around in circles, saying "My Lord, hast thou forsaken me?", which only made the sores worse.

⁶⁵And the Lord looked down upon them in his wrath, that waxed terrible, but not as terrible as the wax on teak furniture of far-eastern manufacture, and said, "Why are you all running round in circles like that?"

⁴²"For I am The Lord, and I command thee to stop the running round in circles stuff now, for it gives me a headache, and I have no more tablets, having given them to thee."

^66.976And the people did stop the running around, and started scratching their heads, wondering where the tablets were. And a great wailing and gnashing-of-teeth was heard throughout the people.

^2.1415926Except for the people who didn't have teeth, of course, where the wailing was supplanted with gnashing-of-gums. Which sounds similar, just a little more soggy.

^{234(after 7, 454)}And the Lord said, "Well, didn't I tell you to take care of them and put them in a safe place? Didn't I? Didn't I? If you'd have listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in all this trouble would you?"

⁰¹⁰¹⁰¹"And whilst we're at it, you can stop all this 'The Lord will provide' shit, right now. I'm sick of you sponging little turds. Try earning a living for a change."

^2e+1.04044"For I tell you this: You will find a land flowing with Milk and Honey, and what will you do? You will fall upon it, and in your greed, you will gather the milk and honey and lock it away, where it will be poisoned by dioxin, whilst you argue over who recieves the biggest share. You will poison the cows and kill the bees with it, because you're all bloody stupid, and you go through life thinking self, self, self, and the only time you will speak my Name will be when you need money or when you're in trouble, but otherwise, do you phone, do you write? Never! And I shall send you a sign, in the shape of a Bush.

³A stupid-looking Bush.

⁴⁵And he shall do my bidding, even if I tell him to do really, really silly things, which I'll do, just to prove what utter sheep you all are, and the Lion will lie down with the Lamb, saying "Look, I really, really, respect you and this is just not a one-night thing" and the Lamb will believe him, but in the morning, the Lion will say "There's a door in the room, use it."

⁶⁷"For is it not written on the door of the little boy's room in the temple of Karnak, 'Beware of The Leopard'?"

⁷⁶And Jacob stood before The Lord.

^76aAnd he was named Jacob, son of Elias, the sheepherder.

^76bFor he was Jacob, whose father was a sheepherder, named Elias.

^76cAnd Jacob was his name.

^76dNot Bob, or Phil.

^76eYou can tell I'm paid by the word.

^76e2aBut he was known far and wide amongst the people as 'The Son of the Sheepshagger'

⁷⁷And Jacob, son of Elias, not Bob or Phil, said 'No, it isn't, actually.'

⁸⁷So the Lord smote the jawbone of the asshole.