Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Have you EVER tried restringing a left-handed electric 12?

08.02.2008 08:15 - Symphony Oysters

I went to the Philharmonic last night, to see a concert. Some things that I learned whilst there :

Tchaikovsky's violin concerto has been forever ruined for me by the likes of Yngwie Malmsteen. No matter how many talented young Russian violinists play it, I still have to restrain myself from yelling "Unleash the fuckin' Fury!!".

A British intellectual can be defined as anyone who, on hearing the main theme of Dvorak's "New World Symphony", doesn't think of Yorkshire or brown bread, in the same way that a german intellectual is one who can see the Dresden Semperoper without thinking of beer. It's also interesting to note that Dvorak nicked the start of Beethoven's 9th for the beginning of one of the movements of the New World, and John Williams subsequently nicked the beginning of another of the movements of New World for "Jaws". But then, Dvorak basically invented every cliché for cowboy film soundtracks (and most modern film music) anyway.

Finally, have you ever noticed all the coughing that goes on in a concert? It's incredible. The moment everyone falls quiet, a whole barrage of coughing starts, and this is DESPITE the Philharmonic putting up notices about coughing and giving out free packets of Ricola. Do they have special rates for consumptives or something? Or do Doctors, now cognizant of the effect of symphony halls, prescribe tickets for the chronically blocked? "Here you are Mr. Jones, two tickets to Betthoven's Ode to Joy - that's got several long quiet bits in it, it should clear your tubes out no problem."

I live in fear of going to a concert and being hit on the back of the neck by a pavement oyster, honestly, I do.

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