Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

A prime example of it all going pear-shaped.

03.05.2005 13:45 - Your Letters

Things are a bit quiet at the moment, so I thought I'd look at a few of the emails I've been getting due to this column. In at no.1 are Deborah Maryallen, Elinor Priscilla and Adrian Kim, who all have mysteriously chosen me to take part in something or other which will reduce my mortgage payments by 3%. Frankly, I'm amazed, as I didn't know I even had a mortgage. So, off they go into the round file, along with late arrival Ronny Deena. Sorry Ron, you should have been quicker.

Next up, a somewhat unfathomable question from Mr./Mrs. "신비의식물". Well, "" (can I call you ''? Because if it pisses you off, then I'm prepared to make a habit of it), I can only assume that you come from either one of the african cultures who have made a language consisting entirely of the louder glottal stops, or that you're from one of the more stupid Asian cultures who don't know what ".de" on the end of an email address means. What it means, "" is there is no-one here-da-speaka-da-lingo. Dis Engrish Lestalaunt, you got long numbah, Johnny. Aaannnd plop into the wastebin it goes.

Next, a stern warning from the Washington Bank of Illinois, threatening to close my account due to irregularities, one of them being that I've never actually opened an account with them in the first place. They must have the wrong man, so I forward it to He'll sort it out - he's played a groovy bank-clerk in "Peter Pan", you know. I've also taken the time to forward him the next three emails, from Dr. Winston Kodogo, Mrs. Winnie Kaluga and The Minister of Finance for the Republic of Botswatania (Formerly the Finnish Congo), who all require urgent assistance with external banking matters. Ain't I a Saint?

Next up, a missive from a young lady named Tina, who wishes me to know that "Horny teenage sluts can't get enough cum". Hmm. Presumably it's some sort of charity, and they want me to make a donation, although I'm not sure of the legality of sending something like that through the post. Presumably they'd want a (pre-chilled) thermosflask-full, which is going to take a bit of work to fill, so we'll put that one aside for now, shall we?

Ah. I see. The next communication is from a young lady named "Nikki" who wishes me to know that with the help of the medication that she's selling, I'll be able to produce copious quantities of a certain in-demand fluid that the previous respondent just can't get enough of. Quite possibly, the two are working together. Well, I think I'll pass on this offer, ladies, as we're having enough problems dealing with the standard amount as it is - it's proving to be a somewhat persistant stain on the bedsheets, with even the wire flail attachment on the Bosch drill proving ineffective. So, plop into the bin they go. Bye ladies!

And with that we bring the mailbox to a close for this time. If you have a legitimate query, do write to me here.

Unless, of course, you are a spamming bastard.

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