Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

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07.11.2005 07:12 - Eurosausage.

Occasionally, when there's a distinct lack of supermodels with tell-tale white crumbs all over their nose, the English Gutter Press will fixate on Europe, and condemn the EEC for daring to pass the occasional directive meant to improve life for people.

A classic case of this was the dreaded attack on the bastion of all things English, the sausage.

The EEC, in it's arrogance, dared to pass a directive that said that all sausages should contain at least 60% meat. That's real meat, not fat, not cereal, not the shit that they reclaim by centrifuging the bone, but proper meat.

Naturally, the press was in an uproar about this. How dare they tell us how to make sausage?

Well, I'll tell you how they dare. It's because most English sausages are crap. They're utter shit, packed with shit, and basically hardly any of the thing has ever walked round a farmyard going moo or oink.

You know what I'm talking about, don't deny it. I'm talking about those shitty little sausages that get served in the typical "English Breakfast" in British hotels. You know the ones I mean, the ones that look as though the cook had an accident with the meat-cleaver. They're pink, sticky, finger-sized and taste like shit.

No, sorry, they don't taste like shit, they taste like nothing at all. They taste like nothing because they're made of cereal and fat, and because they all assume you're going to add ketchup or brown sauce, so you won't realise that they haven't got any taste AT ALL. And you know, that for this, the bastards at reception are going to charge a bloody tenner, because they all assume you're a part of the Military/Industrial complex and are therefore on expenses.

Four stars, you bastards! Four stars in the Michelin guide, and you're still serving those shitty sausages!

I assume that the people who made up this rule have tasted these sausages, and had to pay the price. I assume that they were so incensed, that they made it their job to enact this rule, and wipe these crappy sausages out of existence once and for all.

And I, for one, am right behind them.

Four Bloody Stars, you bastards!

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