Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

This is what happens if you don't apply yourself at school, kids.

15.11.2005 08:43 - The Physics of Intelligons

Physicists have postulated the existence of particles of pure thought, which are attracted to concentrations of neurons. These have been named inspirons. In fact, inspirons belong to a whole class of particles titled "Intelligons". Intelligons are any particle which interacts with reasoning beings, or can be found nearby any concentration of intelligence.

The source of intelligons is unknown, and, in accordance with the principle of uncertainty cannot be detected until they have hit a target. A target is defined as any reasoning being, and the result of a reasoning being hit with an intelligon is an idea. The great problem with intelligons is that, due to the principle of uncertainty, not only can we not detect them until it is too late, but we cannot measure them until they have struck a target.

Over many years, Scientists have classified intelligons into two main classes, with sub-classes according to spin.

The classifications are :

+ve Inspiron
+ve Inspirons are considered to be beneficial. A typical +ve Inspiron would be a way to end suffering, negotiate the end of a war, a new medical treatment &c.

-ve Inspiron
-ve Inspirons can be considered to produce non-beneficial ideas, such as genocide, war, &c.

The incompeton can be considered to be the true anti-particle to the Inspiron. Whenever an inspiron and an incompeton come together, they will cancel each other out, causing chaos on a much higher level, which, although deadly to the surrounding inspirons, will not affect the incompeton at all, whose energy-level will be promoted.

It has been theorised that Intelligons are passing through our planet at the rate of millions per day, although the precise ratio of inspirons to incompetons is, as yet, unknown. The problem is that due to their undetectability, it is very hard to prove their existence, so they could all be going to waste. Either that or somewhere a dog is experiencing a breakthrough in quantum thermodynamics that it is totally unequipped to communicate1.

In an attempt to detect these particles and learn more about their behaviour, a detector was built in a deep mine in Arizona. A large saline bath was built in the deeper galleries, which was kept at body temperature. Politicians were immersed in this sensory-deprivation bath for hours on end, in total darkness, to see if any of them came up with an idea. Unfortunately the selection of politicians as test subjects biased the results of the detector, although this lead to the discovery of the incompeton, and also that there's no such thing as sensory deprivation for politicians.

During the performance of this experiment, we learned that an incompeton, rather than being attracted to intelligent life, is attracted to inspirons. The incompeton then rises through the layers of inspirons until it reaches the point where it can do maximum damage. The energy-bonds of the particle are then released in a violent subatomic reaction that obliterates all the inspirons, and any intelligent thought in the surroundings. It was further discovered that, rather than repelling like- or opposite-charged Incompetons, when two Incompetons collide, each will perturb the other's path to orbit round a common centre. Each incompeton will then exert random forces causing the new structure to wander randomly around this point, although never actually intersecting with it. This behavior is referred to as forming a Committee.

It is theorised that the incompeton is a major driving force behind entropy in the universe. The large clouds of non-baryonic "dark" matter, that are theorised to exist by current models of the Universe, may be comprised by large "committees" of incompetons. Incompetons, although not detectable, can be seen in action in any major Government department or Civil Service Body. Ultimately the overabundance of incompetons will lead to the heat-death of the universe, although nobody will actually notice until about six months after the fact. By which time, of course, it will be too late.

1"Woof, woof!" "What's that, Lassie?" "Woof woof!" "Sonny's fallen down a cliff and broken his leg?" "Woof woof WOOF!" "Oh, you've discovered a way to reconcile classic quantum thermodynamics with the theory of relativity on a macroscopic scale? Good girl! Have a biscuit!"

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