Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

It's not just the times, it's the species.


14.02.2006 10:35 - Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is second only to Christmas in it's overcommercialised horror. Originally, it wasn't celebrated in Germany. However, since the Americans got hold of it in the same way as they have with Halloween, it has become an orgy of commericalism.

Before this, the Germans used to have "Maibaumtag" - a day when young rakes would indicate their intentions to a young lady by ripping down a bloody great chunk of tree and sticking it over her window. Green concerns being to the fore these days, as well as rampant commercialisation, the average young German prefers to buy a card rather than vandalising a tree. In this way, they can shift the blame for the wholesale deforestation of major areas of the planet onto the greeting-card manufacturers, who pulp millions of trees just so some soppy tart can recieve a piece of cardboard in the shape of a heart, complete with a box of mild stimulants originally discovered by the Aztecs, which you think contains two levels of chocolates, only to find out that the tray underneath is empty, and is just packing to make the box look bigger, so they can charge a fiver for about 1.50 worth of chocolate.

Of course, it's all a part of the horrendous commercialisation of our former religious days, converted from a time when people would declare their love anonymously into a Great Big Shitty Stick with which to beat people over the head. Doubtless many of you are familiar with the crushing disappointment of being young and not getting any valentine's cards. Doubtless more of you are aware of the verbal tongue-lashing you get if you don't send a Valentine's card. Or if you did, but "that bitch in accounts" got a bigger present. Or flowers. Or chocolate. Or some such shit like that. (But then she will, as payoff for the "little favours" in the stationery cupboard).

And so that's why we go out and spend millions each year on flowers, chocolates, champagne and cards. Not because we're in love, not because we need to prove our love, but because it's anything for a quiet life. Let's face it, if the day were renamed "Show your love by splashing out loads of cash you can't afford on stuff you don't need, want or like, or it's no sex for the next three months", then it would be somewhat closer.

Brothers and sisters, this is just one part of the oppressive industrial regime we live in, where we are forced to declare our love in a punctual fashion, by spending money on things we do not want or need, and which only do us harm. I say we march on Hallmark Cards, burn the place to the ground and string the Managing Directors up on the gate, each with a Valentine's card nailed to their head, and one of their own nauseous rhyming couplets carved into the flesh of their chests.

That'll show the bastards.


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