Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Googling for Norks since 2003


08.03.2006 00:00 - Licence Expired

You'll notice that I haven't made many updates here recently.

The truth is, that I've been hired to write the next Bond film. Forget all that rubbish about "Casino Royale", that was just a publicity mask. I've been instructed to give Bond a realistic makeover that'll bring him into the 21st Century. And boy, am I going to do that.

The new film will be called "Licence Expired", and will start with Bond recieving "early retirement" thanks to a particularly incompetent Civil Servant with whom he's had a few problems in the past. He gets a crap clock and very little else, as the Government have managed to cut him off without a pension, due to a clause in his contract that he signed all those years ago about "plausible deniability". Well, they've plausably denied his pension, mainly because of all the CSA handouts they've been forced to make to pregnant ex-KGB spies. That and the life insurance payouts on the first beautiful spy he beds in every picture, who ends up dead by the middle of the film. This is an insanely extreme form of contraception.

So, he's forced to go it alone as a "security consultant" (read Nightwatchman/Bouncer), and we see a very different side of Mr. Bond. Off down to the Job Centre, who should he meet behind the counter but Miss Moneypenny. Oh Dear. No more white tuxedos for you Mr. Bond, and the Aston has to go back, in favour of a clapped-out 1985 Ford Fiesta, which was so cheap, it doesn't even have a radio, never mind satellite tracking and navigation. It does, however, have an ejector seat. Of sorts. Basically, the bodywork is so far gone that if he takes a corner too fast the passenger door flies open and the seat will tip out. Yes, this is Mr. Bond in his underpants with holes in his socks, eating cold beans from a tin.

Finally, he realises he's got no chance in the real world other than to publish his memoirs, something his former employers don't like, and so they pursue him from pillar to post, spending inordinate amounts of taxpayer's money to harass him, steal his possessions and basically make his life a misery.

Like I said : Bond updated for the 21st Century. Now you know why they wanted Daniel Craig, who's no stranger to this sort of gritty realism, although I must say his former girlfriend has recently been in an advert where she is indecently assaulted by a hoover, which is a nice link to this article .

 


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