Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

A prime example of it all going pear-shaped.


03.08.2006 15:19 - Audrey III

This being summer, I am most often awoken by the smell of rotting meat from Audrey.

No, I've not turned into some sort of psychopath, although I have been recently described as a cross between "a great big cuddly teddy bear and a serial killer" by comedienne Olga Putina.  I used to have a problem keeping girlfriends, until I discovered formaldehyde....

Audrey, or, to give her her full name, Audrey three, is a cactus. She is named after the plant in "Little Shop Of Horrors". (Yes, I am aware of the orignal with the cameo from Jack Nicholson, thank you, and you can go and look it up on imdb.com yourself, as I can't be arsed to post the link.) Audrey does not stretch to full, soul-diva vocalisation of hunger, like her namesake, however. No. Audrey specialises in disgusting smells. Audrey, you see, has flowers. Flowers that bloom in the hot, hot sun, and look like some sort of sick reptilian version of a sunflower. And these flowers stink. The stench of rotting meat wafts from Audrey's flowers, in an attempt to attract, and ultimately disappoint, unsuspecting flies whom she will use to spread her pollen far and wide.

This is what passes for sex in the Cactus World.

And it is situated on the window sill, which is nearest to my side of the bed.

Her Maj is happy that Audrey is blooming, but then, she's an investment banker, and is probably used to the stench.


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