Raptus Regaliter

Oh, it's you. How you doin?

I'm doin' alright, meself. I'm shacked up with an old dear at No.22. Very handy with a can-opener, that one, and she likes to give me little treats. I tell you, I'm going to have to to a bit more exercise, otherwise I'll lose me trim. I keep that by going and having a couple of rounds wiv that stupid fat spaniel at No.12.

Find one of the old dears, move in. You know the old trick - just wait till they come out and get the milk, then rub up their legs and give 'em the wide eyes and the miaow, and before you know it, you're sitting in front of the fire, and you've got your own bowl in the kitchen, and a cushion full of top-whack catnip. They're glad of the company, 'cause they're all lonely, like, wiv the old man shuffled off this mortal coil, like. If you time it well, you can have two or three on the boil and get a second or third breakfast. You have to be careful, like, otherwise they find out. Mostly, they don't mind, though. It's the company.

Don't bovver wiv the young 'uns, though. They're always out at work or out chasin' blokes. They lock you in all hours. Just you and a squeaky mouse toy, eight mind-numbing hours a day. Bloody criminal I call it. Then they find themselves a bloke. That's when the war starts. Both of you are all very nicey-nicey to each other in front of her, but soon as her back's turned, he'll be trying to kick you, you'll be trying to claw his balls. Then they have a kid, that follows you round pullin' your tail. Nah. Bin there, dun that. A nice bit of old, that's what you want.

Of course, you shouldn't appear grateful. My mum, gawd bless her whereever she is, she told me when I was a kitten, she said, "Alfie, whatever you do, don't show no gratitude to the can-openers, cause they don't like it. And don't think Animal shelters are the easy life, because they'll whip yer knackers off soon as look at you."

I didn't understand what she was on about, till one day, this old love I was staying with, I decided to give her a present. I found this big fat mouse out in the back yard, stunned it and brought it in the kitchen for her to finish off.

Consternation. Uproar.

I tell you, you never seen anyfing like it in your Hovis. She was a big fat old un' like, and had trouble wiv er hip, but that din't make no difference, because she was up on a chair fast as you like, screaming an' everything.

That's when I remembered what me mam told me.

I thought to myself, Alfie, you just gone and ruined a right cushy little number there.

I tell you I was so pissed off, I went and found that stupid spaniel from no.12, and twatted him on the nose.

That made his bleedin' eyes water.