Raptus Regaliter

Just to confuse all of you, there's another Steven Dix. (he's Steven, I'm Steve) What makes it worse is that he is also a musician selling a self-produced record. He even spells Steven with a 'v', damn his eyes! (I reckon I've got prior claim, as he's a good 4 years younger than me). One discrepancy does arise, (well, apart from the fact that he's in Australia) and that's because he's done a bit of acting. He apparently played a "groovy bankclerk" in "Peter Pan" (although he's uncredited). So, just to confuse the issue further, I thought I'd do a bit of acting. That'll teach him.

Now, normally, I'm not the sort of person who really wants to be around actors. I've met a few, in my time, and I've found them to be somewhat shallow, self-absorbed people^[1]. I've done a bit of amateur dramatics, but quit because I found it somewhat dishonest : Actors are, after all, trained liars. One of the reasons I took up singing and playing was an attempt to find a more "honest" way of being up on stage. However, the opportunity to give acting in a film a try doesn't come every day, and so I thought I'd put my doubts aside and give it a go.

The casting was, conveniently, at the other end of the Stadtteil in which I live, and so wasn't too far out of my way. On arrival, I was greeted by the Casting Director, who asked me to fill in a form, giving basic experience, clothes size, contact details etc., and also took a photo of me. I then had to wait a while, until the director called me.

After a while the director came in and introduced himself, and ushered me into his office. He was called away momentarily, so I was able to take a sneaky peep at one of the scripts that was lying open on the desk. It was open at a scene in a briefing room, where a Lancaster bomber crew is being briefed for the fateful raid on Dresden (which came in handy, as you will see...)

When the director came back, he asked me (in english) to give a brief description of myself. He seemed interested in the fact that I'd performed in various bands. (Idiot that I was, I should have taken a CD to give to him, but didn't). Initially, he wasn't too pleased with me being such a fat bastard, so I tried to look thinner. It's not easy trying to lose weight by willing it away in a matter of seconds. I did point out that the spare tyre wouldn't make much difference if it went, as I have quite a broad chest in the first place.

He then decided to film me. He asked me to describe myself whilst pointing a camera at me.. This was a bit hard, as nerves set in. It's surprisingly quite difficult to talk about yourself on-camera. He then asked me to improvise a scene as though I was briefing a bomber crew. I could feel myself about to dry up, but then I remembered reading "The Cryptonomicon" and launched into a speech about how the Germans may have broken one of our codes, and that it was therefore necessary for us to adopt one-time pads in aircraft-to-ground communications. This seemed to please him, and on my way out he made some notes on my form about possible usage as ground-staff.

So, we shall see if this is the beginning of a dazzling film career as a professional Englishman. Ronald Coleman and David Niven must be quaking in their boots.

Or, more likely, spinning in their graves.

[1] Says the shallow, self-absorbed git who keeps an online diary.