Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

Foraging for food in the bins beside the Information Highway.

25.04.2005 10:41 - DIY - How to Avoid Death by Screwdriver Perforation

There is a peculiar habit amongst womenfolk. To whit, they seem to think that "DIY" stands not for "Do It Yourself" but for "Get Your Significant Other To Do It Whilst You Provide A Running Commentary On The Bleeding Obvious". This commentary takes the form of offering "advice" about one second after the poor benighted soul they have tricked into doing something using "Feminine Wiles" has actually started doing just that. For example, "Don't forget to strip the wires" just after he's started hacking away insulation from round the wires.

My particular bug-bear, for example, is car maintenance. I know how to do it. I've built one, from the ground-up, FFS. I know the difference between a water-pump and an oil-pump. I can tell you how to set the valve timing. I do not need to be told where to put the oil, especially by someone who thinks that synthetic oil and mineral oil are the same thing really and can be mixed.

In my first job, I was offered a piece of advice by a former film sound-recordist that has outlasted anything I've ever learnt, and has stunning repercussions in work politics. It was "If you can't be bothered to do the job yourself, then shut the fuck up". It is a supremely brilliant piece of advice, especially in this case. Don't ask someone to do something for you, and then tell them how to do it. If they need your advice, they will ask for it. It is also amazing that 99.9% of the entire population has yet to work this simple rule out for themselves.

Try it, if only to save yourself from having a screwdriver punched through your skull.

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