13.06.2006 02:18 - Hell, Thy Name Is Cupboard
There's been a recent episode of Dr.Who where Satan was found to be imprisoned for eternity on a planet orbiting a black hole.
To keep busy, he's presumably been freelancing for the design of self-assembly flatpack furniture.
Now, the cupboard in question isn't exactly flatpack self-assembly stuff, as when you buy it new several amazingly competent blokes come round and build it for you.
Unless, of course, you buy it secondhand over Ebay.
This is where the fun starts - it you happen to be imprisoned on a planet orbiting a black hole and have the entire Universe's lifetime to while away.
Number one : Getting to the place and dismantling the damn thing. Finding that it contains many secret screws hidden in a cunning manner, that leads you in circular reasoning : you need to take out screw one to remove screw two so you can slide the shelf across so you can remove screw o- ah.
Number Two : Getting this all out and into the VW equivalent of a Transit Van, down three flights of stairs in blazing hot sunshine.
Number Three : Doing this when you haven't had adequate sleep due to loudness in the street below well after 11pm.
Number Four : Arriving home, getting it all out of the bloody van and up three flights of stairs.
Number Five : Discovering one of the curved glass doors has cracked.
Number Six : Cutting yourself open attempting to manhandle the previously-mentioned cracked door without cutting yourself open or accidentally pushing the glass out of the frame, leading to surefire castration.
Number Seven : Attempting to hold on to door rendered slippery by haemoglobin.
Number Eight : Putting the cupboard back together again, only to find that the adjacent sofa is too close, and cannot be moved due to the contents of the old shelves, that the cupboard is replacing, not to mention the shelves themselves, are resting on the sofa, making it immovable.
Number Nine : Getting up the next day, viewing the nightmare mountain of stuff between me and my laptop, and deciding that I better finish building the cupboard whilst Her Maj is at work to avoid this scenario.
Number Ten : Mounting the f*!?§$g doors, repeatedly, until they shut without scraping against one another.
Number Eleven : Managing to put about 99 per cent of stuff in cupboard and connect up electrics, and then having Her Maj arrive home and decide she doesn't want to put those things in there, she wants to put all her nice glass in the display case. Even though one of the doors is being held together with gaffer tape.
So, all in all, Stevie is not a happy bunny.
Stevie is a vicious bloodstained carnivorous bunny, with maddened staring eyes, who will rip out the throat of the next person to email him an Ebay link to furniture.