Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

It's not just the times, it's the species.

26.05.2006 13:55 - Slugs

There is a place in North Wales, called Portmeirion. Many of you will be familiar with the place for its frequent use in films and TV, such as being "The Village" in which Patrick McGoohan was ennumerated and encarcerated in "The Prisoner", or being 14th Century Italy to Tom Baker's Dr. Who in "The Masque of Mandragora", or kinky fun in "Private No.21" (so I'm told by people in the know). Many more of you may have visited it in person, and fallen in love with it's great tranquility and beauty.

Unfortunately, there are worms in paradise. I refer not to the peacocks who used to crap all over your car at night, which are long-gone, or the guard-dog, who used to leave great big steaming lumps of dog crap in the most inconvenient places.

I refer, ladies and gentlemen, to the Slugs.

Portmeirion, being on the Welsh Riviera, is subject to a lot of rain, as anyone who drives a lotus-7-style car can tell you. This attracts big families of holidaying slugs, as I found out one night in 1989. I was on my way to the Hercules Hall bar, from Upper Villa Winch. This was at about nine at night, and so it was dark. it also involved the navigation of a lot of steps. The steps where the slug family had chosen to relax upon. My path was therefore somewhat fraught. I came down the steps leading to Telford's tower. Squelch. I slipped and fell over, narrowly avoiding braining myself. Two steps later : Squish, son of Squelch, followed by Muffled Thud, and Inappropriate Language. I picked myself up and dusted myself down. You would think I'd learned my lesson by now, wouldn't you? No, for the final three-pack of fun occured at the gate onto the road - Splat, thud, crunch. I landed, spreadeagled on the road, narrowly missing a pile of guard-dog "marker".

I'm told that I looked somewhat worse for wear when I arrived in the bar, covered in moss, mud and slug parts.

Never mind big white balloons named Rover, I want to know how McGoohan managed to dodge the slugs.

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