Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

It's not just the times, it's the species.

16.01.2006 19:28 - Golden Showers II

I got a cunningly-worded invitation from my Doctor, inviting me to attend a "check-up". This is part of the continuing efforts of the medical world to become "pro-active" - in other words, for your Doctor to see you before you get ill, so that he doesn't run the risk of catching anything nasty, and so he can make sure you're not going to catch anything nasty sometime soon, so he can divert you to a hospital, who will deal with you rather than him.

I went along to the clinic, and had a little chat with him, whereupon he decided that I should come back the next day, bearing samples of certain bodily fluids. I was instructed to take a sample of my own urine from mid-stream - not at the start, and not at the end. I was then given a small plastic screw-top tube.

Now, I don't know about you, but in my case the stuff usually comes out under a certain amount of pressure.

Attempts to sample said bodily fluid were, as you can imagine, somewhat messy, especially in the light of me not being able to stop urinating, once I've started, until the local supply runs out, so to speak. In an attempt to prevent the fluid being sampled from being sprayed around the room, I attempted to sit on the lavatory and poke the tube between my legs at the crucial moment. No luck. The tube, although small, was not small enough to fit in the gap, causing me to urinate on my own hand, and the liquid to be sprayed around.

Attempt two involved urinating from a standing position, and pushing the tube into the stream. This was also not a success, due to the aforementioned fact that the liquid comes out under a certain amount of pressure, and the fact that it ricocheted out of the tube and all down the front of my trousers. Further attempts were delayed due to a lack of raw material, and the fact that I had to clean the bathroom.

Attempt three used some cunning. Instead of urinating into the toilet, I decided a far larger receptable was required, and so stood in the bath. The receptacle was placed on the floor of the bath. Unfortunately, being light and plastic, it was knocked over when the stream was directed into it. At least I was able to clean up easily with the shower head.

Attempt four finally got it. The same setup as attempt three was used, with the addition of a lump of blutac on the bottom of the tube, preventing it from falling over. Hurrah!

Next day, I took my little sample to the doctor. He opened it and stuck a little piece of paper in it which went purple, made a note of this and handed it back to me. "I don't want it!" I protested, "Its of no use to me, and I have more than enough of it in reserve!". "Well I don't want it any more!" he complained. "You asked for it", I countered, "and I had to go to considerable lengths to get that."

In the end he rinsed it out and gave me back the plastic tube - "for the next time" he said. There never was a next time. I suppose I really ought to throw it out.

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